A Whole New Story

I want to feel in all the empty spaces in my life.

There’s one more left, but I do not know when it is going to be filled.

Things are harder than I thought it would be, but it has become a routine for the past 2 years it almost felt nothing. I just hope that the routine will stop after I found the right one.

Few friends had pointed this thing out to me, but I never given so much time to think about it. A friend pointed it out again last Sunday while we were eating lunch, and it got me thinking, maybe the routine has become so normal to me I can just continue my life in a breeze. The ability to have many things stressing up in my life, things that make hurt, angry, cry and depressed, but at the same time able to focus on tasks, work, anything job-related. For instance, the example that my friend pointed out, how I managed to have never ending fights with my ex-bf, cry, scream, depression, and then just sit and be quiet for  a moment, walk back to my desk and started studying my ass off and still get good results despite all the mess that happened.

I do not know how I do it, but all I know is I would put focus my rage, my sadness and my hatred towards the task or job I need to do. And the focus that I gave made me forget all the problem.

Yesterday nite I watched Dear John. Dear oh dear what a sad movie. I bet the book is so so much better, but the movie was enough to make me weep. Weep ok, not cry. Darn you Nicholas Sparks, always writing a good book that can make my emotions stir.

To my dearest friend, I know you are strong. Like I said, time always ‘kill’ us all, but it is usually temporarily.

The important thing is to fight,for yourself, your pride and your dignity. This goes all to the women out there.

Rainbow

Twilight

I have no idea what to write since I moved here.

Losing my inspiration, maybe?

Tethering, huhu.

I am currently in Crystal Crown Hotel, PJ. Having a course here with my current attached ministry before transferring to the new one next week.

So tired yet still want to watch Karate Kid at MidValley tonite.

road from Kuala Gula, 190610.

Taken by a friend using iPhone, edited using Photoshop Lite app.

Tak tahu nak rasa apa.

Wow there’s a lot of entries in my Draft section that I have yet to publish.

Most of them are random entries that I never finished writing.

Hm.

It’s a wonder when a friend starts to get in touch with you after being hiatus from your life for so long.

She or he used to hang out with you a lot. Gone through ups and downs with you. And when they went MIA, you just let them go, or maybe, you tried to reach out to your friend, but she or he never respond. Maybe responded, but the sentences or calls sounded too distant.

This happen too many times, you said.

You start to let your friend go.

Then, that friend came back to your life, giving you affectionate wishes and saying nice things, etc.  You felt emotionless, you do not know what to respond. Instead, you gave that person a distant-sounding sentences in text messages or calls. It’s not revenge, no. It’s just that you are tired because it happened again and again.

That person, when she or he found that special someone, that person (without realizing) had put a distance in your relationship. Your friends warned you about this because they had been in the situation before, but you stood by your friend, defended that your friend is not guilty for finding love.

And then it happened to you, again and again. It actually happened before, but you choose to ignore it because you thought you are being a loyal friend.

One day, you had enough. You just could not care what happen to your friend anymore.

Have you been in this kind of situation?

45 minutes of w0rkout today. 30 minutes on the treadmill, another 15 minutes of sit-ups and skipping.

Hey, it’s an achievement for me, I am proud of it.

I have this feeling, every time I am on the treadmill I do not want to stop. I want to keep running even if I am running slow. I have to force myself to stop because in reality, I know that doing more will exhaust me and I have other things to tend to. I cannot ignore all the things around of me and keep running from it.

I used to say to a very close friend, “stop berlari, stop chasing time”.

Now I realize that I need to remind myself of that very phrase most of the time.

It feels so good after running, but when I need to start again, it will be so hard. SO DAMN DIFFICULT.

I guess I need more practice, more self-motivation not to stop in a long period.

I’m just scared I can’t stop after I start. Adrenaline junkie, I have turned into one. I need activities to do, and if I started, I can”t stop. It tortures me when I stopped.

It practically kills me when I am sitting around with nothing to do and I start to feel bad vibes surround me, which is the last thing I want to feel.

I was opening IE to check my department’s email (it’s crappy, I know, I don’t like browsing using IE but the department webmail is only fully functional if is being opened using IE) and the article on Yahoo caught my eye.

Unhealthiest Coffee Drinks in America.

Being a coffee drinker, I was shocked but relieved because I don’t drink those kinda coffee (caramels, tiramisu and sweet stuffs). Ok maybe the occasional mocha (and I prefer Starbucks coffee more than anything in the world) and I ordered my coffees and frappucinos without cream.

I tried to get off coffee for few months and I gained weight. Started drinking it back only once a day. So yea, I love my coffee, but don’t drink it too too much, and definitely do not add sweet stuffs.

Apa ntah nak tulis.

Yea kali ini saya akan ber’blog’ dalam bahasa Melayu. Ok bahasa rojak la senang.

Owh sungguh la penat minggu ni. 2 kali mesyuarat kat tempat yang sama, kenapa tak buat sekaligus sehari je? Buang masa betul. Banyak lagi kerja kat ofis yang boleh aku settle daripada meeting 2 kali ok. Dah pulak tu meeting bukannya, standard la gov, meeting officers ni mau at least 2 jam. AT LEAST ye. Jadinya dua2 meeting start pukul 9 pagi, and ended at 1 PM. Bukannya aku ada bagi input sangat (except for the 2nd meeting), mostly duduk diam je. Adoi buang masa betul.

(more…)